So I was gone for awhile doing various things:
* having a nervous breakdown
* getting into Stargate
* recovering from the nervous breakdown
* planning a vacation
* staving off another nervous breakdown
Basically nervous breakdown... I have come to the conclusion that black people (oh, forgive me, my people) Black people who like hockey are crazy. In the spirit of craziness, let's pretend that I was away doing other various things:
* trying to break into SEL but my agent submitted the contract too late and we missed the deadline
* giving that guy
Stark Sands Fan Community
Friday, October 24, 2008
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Nose Kettles
Yes, I'm still sick. At least today is my payday so I can get one of those nifty Scandinavian nose kettles. And that makes me think of the Swedes playing for Detroit Red Wings. Which makes me think of octopi, which in turn leads to PIMp Mack Loud! And that makes me think of missing teeth and remember Jose Sakic's busted lips, which makes me think of veteran players. And that makes me think of Peter Forsberg, which reminds me of Scandinavia and those nifty nose kettles. Yep, I'm sick.
Ahhhh....
ps.
I've been refusing to watch the rest of the playoffs since the Avs are out. I did though watch some documentary about some youth team called "California Wave". Omigod, their coach was a black man! That was over the weekend so I think I'm in hockey withdraw now.
Stark Sands Fan Community
Ahhhh....
ps.
I've been refusing to watch the rest of the playoffs since the Avs are out. I did though watch some documentary about some youth team called "California Wave". Omigod, their coach was a black man! That was over the weekend so I think I'm in hockey withdraw now.
Stark Sands Fan Community
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
A Directed, but Rather Open, Letter
Dear Peter,
We sort of know each other. I have read that a person in New York could get a letter to a stranger in Los Angeles using only 7 friends. They would form a chain with each person as a link to the next. How long have you been speaking English? Should I slow down?
Anyway, we sort of know each other because years ago, when you were first in Colorado, a friend of a friend stalked you one day. My friend was with her friend, who happened to be a huge Peter Forsberg, I mean "you" fan. So friend of a friend held my friend hostage and made her drive the car while FOAF took pictures. My friend said that FOAF forced her to follow you for like an hour. It wasn't until my friend convinced FOAF that you were calling the police on your cell, not Joe Sakic, that she let my friend stop following you.
There you go, we know each other! Practically family, right? So I say this as like a younger sister, a younger blacker sister: do you really have "Forsberg" shit all over your car? You know that's why you get crazy ass bitches following you, right? OK, that's not the main thing I wanted to say. The main thing is that I don't want to see anymore grown men cry. They managed to hide their tears, but I could tell that a lot of people were disappointed when we didn't get you in every game. Try to take care of yourself, okay?
Oh, and I know they whipped our asses, but could you help the Swedes on the Detroit Red Wings with their English? I don't know who these sports announcer guys are trying to impress with their fancy let's-pretend-I-went-to-a-good-college-and-could-have-been-a-real-journalist "talk", but it ain't working on me. I think it was the guy I've decided to hate, Kyle Keefe, interviewing a very huge, very pale, very very sweaty Swede who's name I totally forgot. Awkward!
I think this: If you know a dude just came here, use small words!
But you know me and my meddlesome attitude. And my rather ridiculous verbosity. Take care!
Love,
Your (and apparently everybody else's, too) Sister, Lexa
Stark Sands Fan Community
We sort of know each other. I have read that a person in New York could get a letter to a stranger in Los Angeles using only 7 friends. They would form a chain with each person as a link to the next. How long have you been speaking English? Should I slow down?
Anyway, we sort of know each other because years ago, when you were first in Colorado, a friend of a friend stalked you one day. My friend was with her friend, who happened to be a huge Peter Forsberg, I mean "you" fan. So friend of a friend held my friend hostage and made her drive the car while FOAF took pictures. My friend said that FOAF forced her to follow you for like an hour. It wasn't until my friend convinced FOAF that you were calling the police on your cell, not Joe Sakic, that she let my friend stop following you.
There you go, we know each other! Practically family, right? So I say this as like a younger sister, a younger blacker sister: do you really have "Forsberg" shit all over your car? You know that's why you get crazy ass bitches following you, right? OK, that's not the main thing I wanted to say. The main thing is that I don't want to see anymore grown men cry. They managed to hide their tears, but I could tell that a lot of people were disappointed when we didn't get you in every game. Try to take care of yourself, okay?
Oh, and I know they whipped our asses, but could you help the Swedes on the Detroit Red Wings with their English? I don't know who these sports announcer guys are trying to impress with their fancy let's-pretend-I-went-to-a-good-college-and-could-have-been-a-real-journalist "talk", but it ain't working on me. I think it was the guy I've decided to hate, Kyle Keefe, interviewing a very huge, very pale, very very sweaty Swede who's name I totally forgot. Awkward!
I think this: If you know a dude just came here, use small words!
But you know me and my meddlesome attitude. And my rather ridiculous verbosity. Take care!
Love,
Your (and apparently everybody else's, too) Sister, Lexa
Stark Sands Fan Community
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Coffee and Donuts
Turns out that Tim Hortons, that place in Canada where I pretend that I'm one of them with a double-double, is named after a hockey guy. Now, poor Tim Horton didn't get a chance to retire from the NHL due to a car accident, but if he had then he would have probably just lived it up on the coffee and donuts money. John Elway has car dealerships and that commentator guy with the hair on Altitude, and now Versus, was apparently a hockey player. God, it's killing me: who is he? It's like a blond mullet and he look like he's had some cosmetic work done because I would have sworn that he retired in the 80s.
Anyway, I watched the final two games of the post-season on tv even though I'd been there. Peter McNab mentioned that a few players may have just played their last game since contracts aren't finalized and they're old farts. But Mr. McNab is classy enough not to call anybody an old fart on television. Mainly, he mentioned Joe Sakic. But then he also mentioned Peter Forsberg, which I didn't get because didn't we just acquire his ass?
The Avalanche will just deal with it if their captain, or Captain (if it's like a rank that I should capitalize), quits. But what he he do with himself? I can't find any sort of website that says as a big ole list what pro athletes do with themselves after they retire. They don't exactly get put out to pasture. I'm not being eaten alive with worry because I've only been a fan for least than half a season. I'm not going to mis him or nothing, but I am curious: what will Sakic do? Does he know what he's going to do?
If I may offer some suggestions, Mr. Sakic:
* start a country club that allows anyone with $150,000 to join (worked for Trump)
* start tanning weekly and hang with Johnny Rotten in Hollywood
* have a 5 year bender before cleaning up and joining the ranks of colour analysts
* run for political office
* get US citizenship and run for one of our political offices!
I like the last the best. That would be cool because I think Joe Sakic is tres classy.
Stark Sands Fan Community
Anyway, I watched the final two games of the post-season on tv even though I'd been there. Peter McNab mentioned that a few players may have just played their last game since contracts aren't finalized and they're old farts. But Mr. McNab is classy enough not to call anybody an old fart on television. Mainly, he mentioned Joe Sakic. But then he also mentioned Peter Forsberg, which I didn't get because didn't we just acquire his ass?
The Avalanche will just deal with it if their captain, or Captain (if it's like a rank that I should capitalize), quits. But what he he do with himself? I can't find any sort of website that says as a big ole list what pro athletes do with themselves after they retire. They don't exactly get put out to pasture. I'm not being eaten alive with worry because I've only been a fan for least than half a season. I'm not going to mis him or nothing, but I am curious: what will Sakic do? Does he know what he's going to do?
If I may offer some suggestions, Mr. Sakic:
* start a country club that allows anyone with $150,000 to join (worked for Trump)
* start tanning weekly and hang with Johnny Rotten in Hollywood
* have a 5 year bender before cleaning up and joining the ranks of colour analysts
* run for political office
* get US citizenship and run for one of our political offices!
I like the last the best. That would be cool because I think Joe Sakic is tres classy.
Stark Sands Fan Community
Monday, May 12, 2008
Those Guys with the Shovels
Sooo... remember when Jose Theodore let 4 of 16 shots get by him in Game 1 of Round 2? And why? I heard it was flu and that he completely left Joe Louis Arena to go puke in peace. Well, I understand how that might feel. My head is pounding, I'm honking like a goose and shit just keeps flying past me (although luckily not pucks). Only, I don't have a Budaj so I'm still on the job through all three periods.
I don't get professional athletes. I mean, everybody has a sick day at some point, right? Instead I keep reading about this crazy bastard who played on a broken foot or that crazy bastard who just immobilized his broken wrist or used the other hand. After all, he's got a spare. Maybe it's the money. I think if I earned a few hundred thousand or better yet a few million dollars a year, I'd work through my spleen popping out of a huge and seriously gross open wound in my chest. "I just need some tape and a little ice later on."
But, wouldn't it be awful if 18,007 people saw me vomit through the bars on my face mask right into the crease? And then those guys with the shovels would come running out to clean it up. Then again, I've thrown up in the lobby at work three times in three years and you just kind of deal with it.
Stark Sands Fan Community
I don't get professional athletes. I mean, everybody has a sick day at some point, right? Instead I keep reading about this crazy bastard who played on a broken foot or that crazy bastard who just immobilized his broken wrist or used the other hand. After all, he's got a spare. Maybe it's the money. I think if I earned a few hundred thousand or better yet a few million dollars a year, I'd work through my spleen popping out of a huge and seriously gross open wound in my chest. "I just need some tape and a little ice later on."
But, wouldn't it be awful if 18,007 people saw me vomit through the bars on my face mask right into the crease? And then those guys with the shovels would come running out to clean it up. Then again, I've thrown up in the lobby at work three times in three years and you just kind of deal with it.
Stark Sands Fan Community
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Book Review: Hockey for Dummies, 2nd Ed.
I wouldn't call myself a dummy, but what can you do? I struggled with wiki and bits and pieces from coworkers and the color analysts for about a month and a half before I admitted that I needed major help. Along came this book: Hockey for Dummies.
It's written by two sports guys that I, of course, do not know. They are John Davidson, who was a goalie for the New York Rangers, and John Steinbreder, who apparently writes and writes, but has not had a job with the potential to lose teeth. Combined they are pretty good writers. There are parts though, where I felt excluded because I'm an absolute beginner. I swear, do all y'all white folks actually go playing pond hockey as kids? That is crazy talk!
Okay, so maybe the title is somewhat justified, but I'd still prefer "Hockey for the Temporarily Ignorant".
The book explained a whole bunch of stuff so I can actually have a hockey conversation above the kindergarten (my favorite color is blue) level. It's a little like a foreign language phrase book in that it'll teach you how to communicate with this whole new group of people. The authors say you can skip around, but I recommend you don't if you are of the "Temporarily Ignorant" persuasion. Go cover to cover with a few jumpbacks (no jumps forward) if you must, so you make sure there aren't any gaps in your understanding of the game. That way you'll know what questions the book truly didn't answer for you rather than something you skipped over.
I bought it from a brick and mortar bookstore for around $20. I'd say it's worth it for that much if you consider yourself a fan desperate for information rather than in a phase or something. Otherwise, fuck capitalism and borrow it from the library. Either way, I totally recommend that people new to hockey read this book, even if your friends who already know hockey might think you're a loser for it.
The most satisfying thing happened less than halfway through the book, as I finished a chapter about the players' positions and formations. Avs were playing somebody or other and went on the power play (which Hockey for Dummies can explain). The other team got in formation to defend their goalie and I recognized it as "the box". I felt all bad-ass!
Support my local bookstore and buy it here.
Stark Sands Fan Community
It's written by two sports guys that I, of course, do not know. They are John Davidson, who was a goalie for the New York Rangers, and John Steinbreder, who apparently writes and writes, but has not had a job with the potential to lose teeth. Combined they are pretty good writers. There are parts though, where I felt excluded because I'm an absolute beginner. I swear, do all y'all white folks actually go playing pond hockey as kids? That is crazy talk!
Okay, so maybe the title is somewhat justified, but I'd still prefer "Hockey for the Temporarily Ignorant".
The book explained a whole bunch of stuff so I can actually have a hockey conversation above the kindergarten (my favorite color is blue) level. It's a little like a foreign language phrase book in that it'll teach you how to communicate with this whole new group of people. The authors say you can skip around, but I recommend you don't if you are of the "Temporarily Ignorant" persuasion. Go cover to cover with a few jumpbacks (no jumps forward) if you must, so you make sure there aren't any gaps in your understanding of the game. That way you'll know what questions the book truly didn't answer for you rather than something you skipped over.
I bought it from a brick and mortar bookstore for around $20. I'd say it's worth it for that much if you consider yourself a fan desperate for information rather than in a phase or something. Otherwise, fuck capitalism and borrow it from the library. Either way, I totally recommend that people new to hockey read this book, even if your friends who already know hockey might think you're a loser for it.
The most satisfying thing happened less than halfway through the book, as I finished a chapter about the players' positions and formations. Avs were playing somebody or other and went on the power play (which Hockey for Dummies can explain). The other team got in formation to defend their goalie and I recognized it as "the box". I felt all bad-ass!
Support my local bookstore and buy it here.
Stark Sands Fan Community
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Mack Daddy McLeod in da House!
I do love hockey in part because of the sanctioned violence. Sorry, I work custonmer service so I have a lot of pent-up rage, okay? However, even hockey has rules so when you fight... or slash or stab or bite or tackle, you have to go to the penalty box. I still need to investigate as to whether hockey justice is as crazy on brothers as the US justice system so that'll be another post.
There's a player stat that tells you how long somebody has been in the box for any given period of time (game, season, lifetime). They call it PIM, and no I don't know why there's an I in it. Before I found the stat and deciphered it, with a fucking decoder ring practically, I noticed that the Avs have a "bad" player. There's a red-headed snaggled-toothed mofo who can behave himself about as long as a two year old with ADHD can follow directions. His name is Cody McLeod, and he's dreamy. (Le sigh.)
Some commentator was talking during one of the last few games (as they are paid to do) and mentioned that this kid leads all NHL rookies in PIM this season. I don't know if they give an award for that, but my guess is not. They probably don't want to encourage such reckless unsportsmanlike conduct. If I had the talent I'd make him an award, but I don't and I'm okay with that. However I am witty as allgetout, so I can title him. I propose that #55 Cody McLeod now be called "PIMp Mack Loud!" but everybody has to remember to say it in that really obnoxious crunk style.
Oh, and a note: I do think PIMp Mack Loud! might genuinely be a crazy off-his-meds mofo, so you might not want to say it to his face. Just a thought.
Stark Sands Fan Community
There's a player stat that tells you how long somebody has been in the box for any given period of time (game, season, lifetime). They call it PIM, and no I don't know why there's an I in it. Before I found the stat and deciphered it, with a fucking decoder ring practically, I noticed that the Avs have a "bad" player. There's a red-headed snaggled-toothed mofo who can behave himself about as long as a two year old with ADHD can follow directions. His name is Cody McLeod, and he's dreamy. (Le sigh.)
Some commentator was talking during one of the last few games (as they are paid to do) and mentioned that this kid leads all NHL rookies in PIM this season. I don't know if they give an award for that, but my guess is not. They probably don't want to encourage such reckless unsportsmanlike conduct. If I had the talent I'd make him an award, but I don't and I'm okay with that. However I am witty as allgetout, so I can title him. I propose that #55 Cody McLeod now be called "PIMp Mack Loud!" but everybody has to remember to say it in that really obnoxious crunk style.
Oh, and a note: I do think PIMp Mack Loud! might genuinely be a crazy off-his-meds mofo, so you might not want to say it to his face. Just a thought.
Stark Sands Fan Community
Friday, May 9, 2008
By Any Other Name
I like Star Wars. I greatly prefer the prequels, but I'm somewhat familiar with the originals. I have had it said to my face that I am not a Star Wars fan. White men say this. I'm not sure if it's my blasphemy of digging the prequels or my lack of waiting in line for 6 weeks to watch a damn movie. I like Star Wars, but the people I consider Star Wars fans say I am not one of them.
A week ago, I went to what became the last game of the post-season. Remember the bitches in the jerseys throwing beer-soaked popcorn, "Sakic" and Foote"? I think they are fans, and they say they are fans also. But they questioned me in a way that implied I wasn't one of them. I like hockey, but am I a fan?
What's with the telling other people who they are anyway? Do I really have to wear one of those amazingly unflattering jerseys to be "one of you"? Do I have to know the difference between Butt Ending and High Sticking to be in your club? What if I've never once stepped on intentional ice? I was born and raised in Omaha, Nebraska so I've walked on my fair share of unintentional ice; can I count that? Do I have to be a white chick?
I'd like to take this opportunity to stand up for those who want to call themselves a fan, but aren't sure if they can. I'm not going to go the route of telling people that they aren't "real" fans. However, I will point out that "Foote" and "Sakic" are some bitches that I still don't like and I think they don't represent the Avs or their fans they way they should be represented. Call it whatever you like, but I think you can use the word fan if you want. I'd get T-shirts with something witty on them to that effect, but I'm lazy. Instead just take away this today:
IF YOU WANT TO BE A FAN, YOU ALREADY ARE :)
Stark Sands Fan Community
A week ago, I went to what became the last game of the post-season. Remember the bitches in the jerseys throwing beer-soaked popcorn, "Sakic" and Foote"? I think they are fans, and they say they are fans also. But they questioned me in a way that implied I wasn't one of them. I like hockey, but am I a fan?
What's with the telling other people who they are anyway? Do I really have to wear one of those amazingly unflattering jerseys to be "one of you"? Do I have to know the difference between Butt Ending and High Sticking to be in your club? What if I've never once stepped on intentional ice? I was born and raised in Omaha, Nebraska so I've walked on my fair share of unintentional ice; can I count that? Do I have to be a white chick?
I'd like to take this opportunity to stand up for those who want to call themselves a fan, but aren't sure if they can. I'm not going to go the route of telling people that they aren't "real" fans. However, I will point out that "Foote" and "Sakic" are some bitches that I still don't like and I think they don't represent the Avs or their fans they way they should be represented. Call it whatever you like, but I think you can use the word fan if you want. I'd get T-shirts with something witty on them to that effect, but I'm lazy. Instead just take away this today:
IF YOU WANT TO BE A FAN, YOU ALREADY ARE :)
Stark Sands Fan Community
Thursday, May 8, 2008
A Peak Inside the Fan Factory
Why would anybody decide to become a hockey fan? It's loud, obnoxious, and has retarded fans ("Foote" and Sakic" for 2). It's ridiculously complex so it's not like you can make safe bets on it or explain it well to anybody else. And the game tickets are stupid expensive even if you're willing to sit all high up. But somehow, I'm a new fan.
So I was watching Avalanche Alert (which I just got the title, because sometimes I'm a little stupid) and there was an episode where they profiled some fans from Japan. This husband and wife were watching the Olympics one year when they fell in love with Patrick Roy. They traced him back to the Colorado Avalanche and started loving the team. They come to Denver every year to go to a practice and at least one game. They love hockey so much, they even watch old games of other teams on satellite in Japan long after they know the scores. Too bad I forget their names because they totally rocked.
When I saw their story I started wondering just how I became a fan and even now haven't figured it out completely. I think hockey had a multi-pronged attack on me. I'm in love with Canada; if it were single I would date it. But Canada has such high standards, it doesn't want me. Damn you, Canada! It's been on my to-do list for, I don't know, two decades to get into hockey because of the Canadian connection. But I have a little love/hate thing going, so that wasn't enough.
I've discovered that hockey is like meth, in that once you try it you want more. Not that do meth, mind you; they cook it in trailer home bathtubs!!! Anyway, free tickets were what happened. I work for a nonprofit and Kroenke Sports, the people who own (I think) the Pepsi Center, are really good to us in general. One day they sent over some free tickets. I figured it couldn't be that bad because they were free and I could have beer and a hotdog. I put a book of sudoku in my purse just in case. By total dumb luck I ended up behind the goalie in row 12 or so. I never once pulled the sudoku out because guys were slamming into the glass and an oppossing player even took a puck to the face. It was bomb-ass!
Now, I'm not trying to say that it was fluke or just easy nonsense that I started liking hockey in general and the Avs, very much in particular. I got into it because it's a fast game with generous amounts of violence. I think the plays are amazing like when everyone is moving in the offensive zone and they look like a flock of birds redirecting in mid-air. It's beautiful. Then somebody will get pissed and pop another guy in the face. I love that people willingly bleed for my entertainment. It's rather sick so I enjoy it immensely. Maybe I'm a little too Roman Old Skool.
Stark Sands Fan Community
So I was watching Avalanche Alert (which I just got the title, because sometimes I'm a little stupid) and there was an episode where they profiled some fans from Japan. This husband and wife were watching the Olympics one year when they fell in love with Patrick Roy. They traced him back to the Colorado Avalanche and started loving the team. They come to Denver every year to go to a practice and at least one game. They love hockey so much, they even watch old games of other teams on satellite in Japan long after they know the scores. Too bad I forget their names because they totally rocked.
When I saw their story I started wondering just how I became a fan and even now haven't figured it out completely. I think hockey had a multi-pronged attack on me. I'm in love with Canada; if it were single I would date it. But Canada has such high standards, it doesn't want me. Damn you, Canada! It's been on my to-do list for, I don't know, two decades to get into hockey because of the Canadian connection. But I have a little love/hate thing going, so that wasn't enough.
I've discovered that hockey is like meth, in that once you try it you want more. Not that do meth, mind you; they cook it in trailer home bathtubs!!! Anyway, free tickets were what happened. I work for a nonprofit and Kroenke Sports, the people who own (I think) the Pepsi Center, are really good to us in general. One day they sent over some free tickets. I figured it couldn't be that bad because they were free and I could have beer and a hotdog. I put a book of sudoku in my purse just in case. By total dumb luck I ended up behind the goalie in row 12 or so. I never once pulled the sudoku out because guys were slamming into the glass and an oppossing player even took a puck to the face. It was bomb-ass!
Now, I'm not trying to say that it was fluke or just easy nonsense that I started liking hockey in general and the Avs, very much in particular. I got into it because it's a fast game with generous amounts of violence. I think the plays are amazing like when everyone is moving in the offensive zone and they look like a flock of birds redirecting in mid-air. It's beautiful. Then somebody will get pissed and pop another guy in the face. I love that people willingly bleed for my entertainment. It's rather sick so I enjoy it immensely. Maybe I'm a little too Roman Old Skool.
Stark Sands Fan Community
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Puckbunnies, To and About...
New fan here, remember? Well, I knew that there are chicks who follow other athletes around. And musicians of course have groupies. But for some reason, it never occurred to me that there were women throwing themselves at the snaggle-toothed motherfuckers known as profesional hockey players. It freaked me out slightly, like finding a whole international club of people who collect themed thimbles. So these chicks are called puckbunnies.
Here's what I have to say about them and please forgive the intellectual depth. If it's a problem maybe you should consider an education enrichment course at your local community college. Numbers belong with like numbers. A woman who is a 7 belongs with a man who is a 7, or another woman who's a 7 (I love gay people). Dating away from your number indicates a problem with you. We all thought that Julia Roberts was a crazy stupid bitch for being with Lyle Lovett. Sorry, but dude was slightly fug. When someone very attractive gets with someone not as attractive, it's "proof" that Pretty Polly is covered in scars from self-cutting or Wow Cal has a ridiculously teeny weeny.
We belong with like numbers but our society has a time honored tradition of allowing men to substitute wealth for a few lacking numbers. Look at Donald Trump. Imagine the kind of wife (okay, wives) he'd have if he was an accountant. Ok, even if he owned a large waste hauling company in a major metropolitan area, I doubt he'd have the same caliber as what he's had. I'm not trying to dog players, but remember that numbers are supposed to match. From the outisde looking in, I don't wonder for very long why any woman who is a 9-10 is into a 5-6 who happens to play professional sports. Hey, he deserves pretty, too, but I hope that that 5-6 is something she's after (with a money bonus) and not completely substituting the money for the man to derive a score equal to her own.
A bit deep, I know, but I was trying to tackle this issue a few days ago and I still don't get it. I overthink everything. That was about puckbunnies and now, if you'll forgive me, I'd like to address them directly.
Bitches:
* jerseys are not flattering on anybody; stop lying with clothing that you are a fan when you are just trying to dick-hop into a better life
* but if it's jersey vs. tank top please wear the jersey; it's cold in the stands and we don't want to see all that
* please stop posting nasty pictures of yourselves online; decent people are surfing during breaks in our legitimate and legal work and you're getting us in trouble
* don't even try to go "backstage", it's nasty to offer sex to someone surrounded by his teammates, media types, wives/girlfriends, kids, support staff and coach (it's like eating candy in class, did you really bring enough for everybody?)
Sorry to be mean to you, but you make it really difficult for women NOT into slobbing knobs to get people to believe that we might actually be trying to get into the game (rather than someone's pants). Or to be taken seriously when we finally get some belief going on. I may have to fight the next user of that retarded advice to "leave it to the big boys".
Oh, and I'm not a woman-hater. Hockey players you better stop being nasty, too. You know internet is everywhere and every time now, right? The best thing about puckbunnies is that they are infinitely entertaining so at least we get information from them that we shouldn't have. And I am nosey!
Stark Sands Fan Community
Here's what I have to say about them and please forgive the intellectual depth. If it's a problem maybe you should consider an education enrichment course at your local community college. Numbers belong with like numbers. A woman who is a 7 belongs with a man who is a 7, or another woman who's a 7 (I love gay people). Dating away from your number indicates a problem with you. We all thought that Julia Roberts was a crazy stupid bitch for being with Lyle Lovett. Sorry, but dude was slightly fug. When someone very attractive gets with someone not as attractive, it's "proof" that Pretty Polly is covered in scars from self-cutting or Wow Cal has a ridiculously teeny weeny.
We belong with like numbers but our society has a time honored tradition of allowing men to substitute wealth for a few lacking numbers. Look at Donald Trump. Imagine the kind of wife (okay, wives) he'd have if he was an accountant. Ok, even if he owned a large waste hauling company in a major metropolitan area, I doubt he'd have the same caliber as what he's had. I'm not trying to dog players, but remember that numbers are supposed to match. From the outisde looking in, I don't wonder for very long why any woman who is a 9-10 is into a 5-6 who happens to play professional sports. Hey, he deserves pretty, too, but I hope that that 5-6 is something she's after (with a money bonus) and not completely substituting the money for the man to derive a score equal to her own.
A bit deep, I know, but I was trying to tackle this issue a few days ago and I still don't get it. I overthink everything. That was about puckbunnies and now, if you'll forgive me, I'd like to address them directly.
Bitches:
* jerseys are not flattering on anybody; stop lying with clothing that you are a fan when you are just trying to dick-hop into a better life
* but if it's jersey vs. tank top please wear the jersey; it's cold in the stands and we don't want to see all that
* please stop posting nasty pictures of yourselves online; decent people are surfing during breaks in our legitimate and legal work and you're getting us in trouble
* don't even try to go "backstage", it's nasty to offer sex to someone surrounded by his teammates, media types, wives/girlfriends, kids, support staff and coach (it's like eating candy in class, did you really bring enough for everybody?)
Sorry to be mean to you, but you make it really difficult for women NOT into slobbing knobs to get people to believe that we might actually be trying to get into the game (rather than someone's pants). Or to be taken seriously when we finally get some belief going on. I may have to fight the next user of that retarded advice to "leave it to the big boys".
Oh, and I'm not a woman-hater. Hockey players you better stop being nasty, too. You know internet is everywhere and every time now, right? The best thing about puckbunnies is that they are infinitely entertaining so at least we get information from them that we shouldn't have. And I am nosey!
Stark Sands Fan Community
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
The Blind Truth
Dude, did I just rip somebody's title? That looks so familiar...
Anyway, I do admit that sometimes (in a very long loooooong time), I like to exaggerate a little (very, very little). It occurs to me that I may have kind of made out like I'm the only black person in Pepsi Center during Avalanche games. (You know, like in my blog title, maybe, just maybe.) I'm not. There's the guy hawking the Cracker Jack, 2 ladies serving alcohol off a cart in the hallway, the guy emptying the trash in the bathroom (or washroom, if that's the way you swing), and Jarome Iginla if the Avs are playing the Calgary Flames. OK, I'm doing it again. Sorry.
Honestly, there seems to be about as many black people at the game as at a rock concert. Black people are like white people and like good music, regardless of its or their own origins. It's the same with hockey. So I don't get stared at, but it's a definite minority. I saw more black people than Asians (and I think that couple were tourist), but more Latinos than black people. But whatever, I also saw more girls/ladies next door than sluts. So who knows how to process all this statistical data.
But I do know one thing. Scalpers are black. Goddamn, they are in the majority there! I was waiting for the jackass I went to Home Game 1 with last week to show up (815p, the 'tard) so I was walking up the block to try to find him. You know it, I think it's Chopper Cir. I got to the corner and these guys asked me "need a ticket". I was just like "nah, I got mine already, thanks!" Three guys all stopped shouting "Colorado Avalanche" at passing cars to gawk at me. I was like "Ooookay, I'm going back to the center now..."
That is the blind truth. I know I must have stolen that title!
Stark Sands Fan Community
Anyway, I do admit that sometimes (in a very long loooooong time), I like to exaggerate a little (very, very little). It occurs to me that I may have kind of made out like I'm the only black person in Pepsi Center during Avalanche games. (You know, like in my blog title, maybe, just maybe.) I'm not. There's the guy hawking the Cracker Jack, 2 ladies serving alcohol off a cart in the hallway, the guy emptying the trash in the bathroom (or washroom, if that's the way you swing), and Jarome Iginla if the Avs are playing the Calgary Flames. OK, I'm doing it again. Sorry.
Honestly, there seems to be about as many black people at the game as at a rock concert. Black people are like white people and like good music, regardless of its or their own origins. It's the same with hockey. So I don't get stared at, but it's a definite minority. I saw more black people than Asians (and I think that couple were tourist), but more Latinos than black people. But whatever, I also saw more girls/ladies next door than sluts. So who knows how to process all this statistical data.
But I do know one thing. Scalpers are black. Goddamn, they are in the majority there! I was waiting for the jackass I went to Home Game 1 with last week to show up (815p, the 'tard) so I was walking up the block to try to find him. You know it, I think it's Chopper Cir. I got to the corner and these guys asked me "need a ticket". I was just like "nah, I got mine already, thanks!" Three guys all stopped shouting "Colorado Avalanche" at passing cars to gawk at me. I was like "Ooookay, I'm going back to the center now..."
That is the blind truth. I know I must have stolen that title!
Stark Sands Fan Community
Monday, May 5, 2008
What's in Tyler Arnason's Head?
Yeah, I asked. What of it?
As I posted previously, I do watch a lot of Avs related stuff that is not games. So, there's part of one show where the sports guy/commentator Kyle Keefe goes and fucks with the players while they're trying to get their practice gear off and go home. I mean, asks them silly questions in the locker room (while they're trying to get their practice gear off and go home). I love it because... well, I'm a bitch and it entertains me.
So question one is a request to spell "mischievous", which elicited some funny "ehs" and "whats" and "I'm not even going to try". Then Annoying Bastard aka Kyle Keefe asks Avalanche forward (and my soon to be Sexiest Man on the Team) #39 Tyler Arnason to spell it. He does like it's a spelling bee. And right, too! Then he unpretentiously admitted to taking no time at all on his appearance in the morning (as sleep is a bit more important) and kept calming answering questions like it's not even a joke. Number 39 also knows what happens when you take the road less traveled by, which got me thinking... professional athletes aren't all stupid goons of more and less goonness? It blew my mind.
Y'all should know I'm addicted to Wikipedia. So wiki says that the newly qualified "Sexiest Man on the Team" went to college. OMG, there are like books in those places! And I think maybe dude actually cracked one open while he was there. Or potentially two: a dictionary and one containing poetry. I wonder what else he read?
(I deleted a whole bash here on my brother-in-law. He knows what it's about, but he won't even know this was deleted on account of not reading! Sister Dear, I hope you love that 'tard a damn lot.)
Anyway, if I ever get the chance to find out the title question, I will let everybody know.
Stark Sands Fan Community
As I posted previously, I do watch a lot of Avs related stuff that is not games. So, there's part of one show where the sports guy/commentator Kyle Keefe goes and fucks with the players while they're trying to get their practice gear off and go home. I mean, asks them silly questions in the locker room (while they're trying to get their practice gear off and go home). I love it because... well, I'm a bitch and it entertains me.
So question one is a request to spell "mischievous", which elicited some funny "ehs" and "whats" and "I'm not even going to try". Then Annoying Bastard aka Kyle Keefe asks Avalanche forward (and my soon to be Sexiest Man on the Team) #39 Tyler Arnason to spell it. He does like it's a spelling bee. And right, too! Then he unpretentiously admitted to taking no time at all on his appearance in the morning (as sleep is a bit more important) and kept calming answering questions like it's not even a joke. Number 39 also knows what happens when you take the road less traveled by, which got me thinking... professional athletes aren't all stupid goons of more and less goonness? It blew my mind.
Y'all should know I'm addicted to Wikipedia. So wiki says that the newly qualified "Sexiest Man on the Team" went to college. OMG, there are like books in those places! And I think maybe dude actually cracked one open while he was there. Or potentially two: a dictionary and one containing poetry. I wonder what else he read?
(I deleted a whole bash here on my brother-in-law. He knows what it's about, but he won't even know this was deleted on account of not reading! Sister Dear, I hope you love that 'tard a damn lot.)
Anyway, if I ever get the chance to find out the title question, I will let everybody know.
Stark Sands Fan Community
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Stop Naming Your Kids Omarion!
OK, I know he has 3 certified Gold albums and he's really cute, but come on!
I have noticed that white people (or White people, if you're one who likes the capitalization) tell me a bit more about Black history than Black folks do. Here's a prime example of that and yes, it does relate to the title.
Since I'm a new hockey fan, I watch every "satellite" program considering the Avs I can find. I mean funny shite like Cooking with the Colorado Avalanche, Avalanche Alert, and every pre- and post-game show. It's amazing how much knowledge you can absorb from stuff like that and the game analysts and commentators. BTW, Peter McNab I love you! That's how I know that you're allowed to hit the guy who has the puck, but not while his back is turned. And I know that goalies didn't used to wear face masks and that part of the reason they do now is that curved sticks transmit more force to the puck than the straight sticks they used to use. Watch TV because you could learn something.
So, white people hooked me up with a bit of black history a few months back. Turns out "brothas can skate"! The first one in the NHL was a tough-skinned forward named Willie O'Ree back in 1958. As a Canadian, we can't say he was the first African-American, but dude is definitely a black guy (micro-Afro and all, no conk). They rolled out the old black and white (hee hee, as in not in technicolor) team roster pictures and footage. He got taunted and fully insulted, but he played on. Imagine that, everybody else is white (plain and ethnic varieties) and you and the janitor are the black guys. His still alive and as it's been 50 years, he got some awards and shit named after him. But he looks like somebody's grandpa and seemed really sweet. He still works with the NHL, but does a sort of outreach program aimed at minority kids. He's just amazing!
So here we come back to the title. You're pregnant, or hopefully adopting, and you're trying to think of names. "I can't decide between Malik and D'andre", you're thinking to yourself. "I want a strong Black name for my kid." O'REE!!! I think it works for a boy or girl (O'Ree Rose Johnson, 'cause everybody's got a Grandma Rose) and should go well with quite a few middle names and last names. Of course, if y'all are the Martin family you might want to choose differently because it'll look like the kid's name is reversed. Or you could choose Willie, but doesn't O'Ree have a sweet sound to it? Plus you'll get hockey fan cred and your little O'Ree will be well on their way into those cutesy youth hockey clubs.
Think about it: O'Ree (your last name here)
Stark Sands Fan Community
I have noticed that white people (or White people, if you're one who likes the capitalization) tell me a bit more about Black history than Black folks do. Here's a prime example of that and yes, it does relate to the title.
Since I'm a new hockey fan, I watch every "satellite" program considering the Avs I can find. I mean funny shite like Cooking with the Colorado Avalanche, Avalanche Alert, and every pre- and post-game show. It's amazing how much knowledge you can absorb from stuff like that and the game analysts and commentators. BTW, Peter McNab I love you! That's how I know that you're allowed to hit the guy who has the puck, but not while his back is turned. And I know that goalies didn't used to wear face masks and that part of the reason they do now is that curved sticks transmit more force to the puck than the straight sticks they used to use. Watch TV because you could learn something.
So, white people hooked me up with a bit of black history a few months back. Turns out "brothas can skate"! The first one in the NHL was a tough-skinned forward named Willie O'Ree back in 1958. As a Canadian, we can't say he was the first African-American, but dude is definitely a black guy (micro-Afro and all, no conk). They rolled out the old black and white (hee hee, as in not in technicolor) team roster pictures and footage. He got taunted and fully insulted, but he played on. Imagine that, everybody else is white (plain and ethnic varieties) and you and the janitor are the black guys. His still alive and as it's been 50 years, he got some awards and shit named after him. But he looks like somebody's grandpa and seemed really sweet. He still works with the NHL, but does a sort of outreach program aimed at minority kids. He's just amazing!
So here we come back to the title. You're pregnant, or hopefully adopting, and you're trying to think of names. "I can't decide between Malik and D'andre", you're thinking to yourself. "I want a strong Black name for my kid." O'REE!!! I think it works for a boy or girl (O'Ree Rose Johnson, 'cause everybody's got a Grandma Rose) and should go well with quite a few middle names and last names. Of course, if y'all are the Martin family you might want to choose differently because it'll look like the kid's name is reversed. Or you could choose Willie, but doesn't O'Ree have a sweet sound to it? Plus you'll get hockey fan cred and your little O'Ree will be well on their way into those cutesy youth hockey clubs.
Think about it: O'Ree (your last name here)
Stark Sands Fan Community
Saturday, May 3, 2008
French Fried Thighs Meet Dinky Seat
Why the hell is everything at the arena junk food?!
People who know me, know that I spend at least 30 seconds each hour, every hour, of every day complaining about the Alien that lives in my stomach. I look at food and I want to die. Same if I smell it. But I want it so, so bad! So just to get to my seat this week for the two games I was lucky enough (and stupid enough to pay for) to go to, I had to walk by so much lard-based, synthetic cheese product nonsense. I couldn't help myself. I got the junk food. Then I got to my seat and ate it while trying to keep my eyes on the rink.
It wasn't until I had been sitting in the seat a few hours on Thursday that I realized: hey, this is one dinky-ass seat! I have a booty, but I fit in it. BUT Americans are getting bigger everyday. Apparently we have a whole epidemic of fat people, I mean fatness. There's no logic in this: overwhelming access to junk food and little little (I mean it, little) seats. How many of the kids at the games now will still be able to come when they're adults and all porky from the french fry cups?
That said, I saw something on Tuesday that I must share! I had never EVER seen this before and I've lived 29 years. Here's the situation, you have fries or something else like it where you want a lot of ketchup (or similarly thick condiment) to dip it in. You look around and all you spot are those ridiculous little paper cups which hold about 1 fry's worth of condiment. Grab a soda lid and turn it upside down. Now you have a big shallow dish which can hold nearly enough ketchup/mustard for one of those french fry cups. Some people may be laughing, but I've never seen that. You sports people are crafty!
Stark Sands Fan Community
People who know me, know that I spend at least 30 seconds each hour, every hour, of every day complaining about the Alien that lives in my stomach. I look at food and I want to die. Same if I smell it. But I want it so, so bad! So just to get to my seat this week for the two games I was lucky enough (and stupid enough to pay for) to go to, I had to walk by so much lard-based, synthetic cheese product nonsense. I couldn't help myself. I got the junk food. Then I got to my seat and ate it while trying to keep my eyes on the rink.
It wasn't until I had been sitting in the seat a few hours on Thursday that I realized: hey, this is one dinky-ass seat! I have a booty, but I fit in it. BUT Americans are getting bigger everyday. Apparently we have a whole epidemic of fat people, I mean fatness. There's no logic in this: overwhelming access to junk food and little little (I mean it, little) seats. How many of the kids at the games now will still be able to come when they're adults and all porky from the french fry cups?
That said, I saw something on Tuesday that I must share! I had never EVER seen this before and I've lived 29 years. Here's the situation, you have fries or something else like it where you want a lot of ketchup (or similarly thick condiment) to dip it in. You look around and all you spot are those ridiculous little paper cups which hold about 1 fry's worth of condiment. Grab a soda lid and turn it upside down. Now you have a big shallow dish which can hold nearly enough ketchup/mustard for one of those french fry cups. Some people may be laughing, but I've never seen that. You sports people are crafty!
Stark Sands Fan Community
Friday, May 2, 2008
Bitches and Manners
I must post this first because it really made me mad. I went to the Avs last game of the season last night. It was Game 4 of Round 2, against the Detroit Red Wings. You should keep yourself off the internet if you're trying to avoid the score. They lost 8-2 and it wasn't a sudden thing either.
For the third period it was pretty empty, but my friend and I were hanging in there because I paid good money that I didn't have to get those tickets (I'm still eating 91 cent Totino's pizza as pennance for that, Tuesday's game and the scifi convention earlier in the month). We were one row from the absolute top, but I was with my friend so infinitely excited. Three rows in front of us were these chicks in Avalanche jerseys, "Foote" and "Sakic". They'd been a little bit of beligerent bitches the whole game, lots of popping in and out during the periods and mouthing off.
So Avs are losing and badly, but gracefully (I'm impressed at the sportsmanship) and the Pepsi Center is now full of Red Wings fans as everyone else seemed to give up and leave. "Sakic" and "Foote" came up with a plan to make themselves feel better about "their" team losing. "Sakic" acted as look-out for the usher, while "Foote" dipped her popcorn in her beer and lobbed it at two guys in Red Wings jerseys. My friend said she saw like 4-5 gross pieces of shit bounce off them. I tried to yell at them to say that even if the usher didn't see it, I could and they needed to stop, but bitches don't listen.
After the game ended, the Red Wings guys climbed up the stairs heading towards me and my friend. I guess they thought we were the retards throwing shit, but my friend pointed them the right direction. Then I got up in it. "Sakic" and "Foote" were trying to deny that they did anything. The Red Wings didn't slap them or anything, just went up and talkd calmly, presumedly about how throwing shit at people is like so first grade (or Grade 1, if that's the way you swing). Then the guys came up towards me and my friend. I explained that I'm an Avs fan, but I think throwing shit ain't cool. The Red Wings fans said thank you and pushed off. They were cute, but um, no. Please... they were Red Wings fans!
So then "Sakic" and "Foote" were glaring daggers at us and acted all defeated like "whose team are you on anyway". As I told the guys "I vote Avs AND throwing shit is 'tarded". I started screaming at them that they knew they were wrong and grandmas shouldn't lead their kids astray like that. I pointed at "Foote" on that and when "Sakic" finally got that I was dogging her needs-to-wear-some-sunscreen-this-is-Colorado-for-fuck's-sake-people old fugly friend, she told on me! They were pissed, but then just about pissed their pants when I told them "I'm three rows behind you; if you want to talk about it, you can come up here". Bear in mind that my (girl) friend and I were sitting in our seats still and didn't have two big dumb dudes with us like "Foote" and "Sakic" did. AND the usher was still at the top of the stairs like right behind me; I meant it literally: talk (and maybe edu-macate some dumb bitches about coming correct in public). "Sakic" and her grandma "Foote" stuck their tails between their legs and herded their big dumb dudes towards the stairs on the other end of their row.
I see it as yet another example of racism, because I've started seeing racism everywhere, just like my mother. Which is really a bit sad. But anyway... racism! If some white girl were to get up in their business like I did, you know they would have sassed her back with at least a "shut up, you ugly lying bitch". But no, they thought the black chick was somehow (and somewhy) gonna beat them down in a not-empty arena with their boyfriends and an usher and maybe even security cameras all watching. People, please! Give me sass and keep your damn invisible racist motives to yourself instead.
In case you think this is a big block of text and you didn't get it, here's the gist: DON'T THROW SHIT AT GAMES!!!
Stark Sands Fan Community
For the third period it was pretty empty, but my friend and I were hanging in there because I paid good money that I didn't have to get those tickets (I'm still eating 91 cent Totino's pizza as pennance for that, Tuesday's game and the scifi convention earlier in the month). We were one row from the absolute top, but I was with my friend so infinitely excited. Three rows in front of us were these chicks in Avalanche jerseys, "Foote" and "Sakic". They'd been a little bit of beligerent bitches the whole game, lots of popping in and out during the periods and mouthing off.
So Avs are losing and badly, but gracefully (I'm impressed at the sportsmanship) and the Pepsi Center is now full of Red Wings fans as everyone else seemed to give up and leave. "Sakic" and "Foote" came up with a plan to make themselves feel better about "their" team losing. "Sakic" acted as look-out for the usher, while "Foote" dipped her popcorn in her beer and lobbed it at two guys in Red Wings jerseys. My friend said she saw like 4-5 gross pieces of shit bounce off them. I tried to yell at them to say that even if the usher didn't see it, I could and they needed to stop, but bitches don't listen.
After the game ended, the Red Wings guys climbed up the stairs heading towards me and my friend. I guess they thought we were the retards throwing shit, but my friend pointed them the right direction. Then I got up in it. "Sakic" and "Foote" were trying to deny that they did anything. The Red Wings didn't slap them or anything, just went up and talkd calmly, presumedly about how throwing shit at people is like so first grade (or Grade 1, if that's the way you swing). Then the guys came up towards me and my friend. I explained that I'm an Avs fan, but I think throwing shit ain't cool. The Red Wings fans said thank you and pushed off. They were cute, but um, no. Please... they were Red Wings fans!
So then "Sakic" and "Foote" were glaring daggers at us and acted all defeated like "whose team are you on anyway". As I told the guys "I vote Avs AND throwing shit is 'tarded". I started screaming at them that they knew they were wrong and grandmas shouldn't lead their kids astray like that. I pointed at "Foote" on that and when "Sakic" finally got that I was dogging her needs-to-wear-some-sunscreen-this-is-Colorado-for-fuck's-sake-people old fugly friend, she told on me! They were pissed, but then just about pissed their pants when I told them "I'm three rows behind you; if you want to talk about it, you can come up here". Bear in mind that my (girl) friend and I were sitting in our seats still and didn't have two big dumb dudes with us like "Foote" and "Sakic" did. AND the usher was still at the top of the stairs like right behind me; I meant it literally: talk (and maybe edu-macate some dumb bitches about coming correct in public). "Sakic" and her grandma "Foote" stuck their tails between their legs and herded their big dumb dudes towards the stairs on the other end of their row.
I see it as yet another example of racism, because I've started seeing racism everywhere, just like my mother. Which is really a bit sad. But anyway... racism! If some white girl were to get up in their business like I did, you know they would have sassed her back with at least a "shut up, you ugly lying bitch". But no, they thought the black chick was somehow (and somewhy) gonna beat them down in a not-empty arena with their boyfriends and an usher and maybe even security cameras all watching. People, please! Give me sass and keep your damn invisible racist motives to yourself instead.
In case you think this is a big block of text and you didn't get it, here's the gist: DON'T THROW SHIT AT GAMES!!!
Stark Sands Fan Community
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